


Not Scary at All

by ToSeeAMarchingBand



Series: It 2 is my supervillain backstory [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: M/M, Obviously shes named after Regina George, Rated teen for swearing, Regina is their dog, Richie Tozier is a gay john mulaney, a pomeranian - Freeform, all eddie wants to do is bone chris pratt, but you get the gist, dont we all, obviously, richie loves eddie VERY much, richies favorite word is fuck- for multiple reasons, well... bisexual john mulaney
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 12:37:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20657384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToSeeAMarchingBand/pseuds/ToSeeAMarchingBand
Summary: “Whoa!” Richie said as he sat down in the plush chair, taking his seat next to the desk on his left. “This set is so much smaller than I ever imaged it,”“Aww, you imagined my set?” The host, Jennifer Frendei, laughed, preparing herself for the next segment of her show. Rich leaned back, quickly getting comfortable in his spot. He nodded, pointing to his right where there were a few extra chairs.“Yeah, I had a wet dream that took place right there,” he said, before winking at the camera.





	Not Scary at All

**Author's Note:**

  * For [richietoaster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/richietoaster/gifts).

> I just wanna say a huge thanks to richietoaster for inspiring me to write this, thanks for the nice comments boo ;)
> 
> Also y'all are lucky as hell that I finished this, my mom came in right as I started and handed me a book about serial killers, my priorities were almost switched

“Whoa!” Richie said as he sat down in the plush chair, taking his seat next to the desk on his left. “This set is so much smaller than I ever imaged it,”

“Aww, you imagined my set?” The host, Jennifer Frendei, laughed, preparing herself for the next segment of her show. Rich leaned back, quickly getting comfortable in his spot. He nodded, pointing to his right where there were a few extra chairs.

“Yeah, I had a wet dream that took place right there,” he said, before winking at the camera. The small audience on set laughed, as was expected, seeing how Richie is a comedian, and is a funny guy. Jennifer told him so.

“You’re a funny guy, Mr. Tozier,”

“Oh, Richie, please, Mr. Tozier was a dentist,” he replied, waving his hand a bit as a gesture to say ‘please though just call me Richie’. She understood, and nodded while chuckling a bit.

He looked out to the small audience, and smiled at the sight of Eddie in the back. His reasoning for coming had been “I want to see you make a fool of yourself in front of your celebrity crush,”, to which Richie replied “celebrity crushes don’t exist when YOU’RE a celebrity too,”.

Eddie had ultimately won the argument when he asked why Richie, if that was the case, hadn’t slept with Chris Pratt yet.

“So the tour of your show recently ended,” Jennifer said, tearing Richie away from the sight of his husband. He smiled and nodded, turning towards the camera.

“Yes my tour of my show, Not Scary at All, is over, but you can buy it on DVD and Blu-ray – oh who am I kidding? You’re all either going to watch the Netflix special or a bootleg online,” he said, rolling his eyes as he laughed with the audience. He looked over at Jennifer.

“Well I was about to plug that for you but…” she said, holding up the cover art of the disk case. He shrugged.

“No need, my marketing team made sure I knew that set of words better than the Holy Bible, can I get an amen,” he said, pressing his hands together like in a prayer, earning laughter from the audience, as it was the exact pose he was in on the cover of Not Scary at All.

He was glad the tour was over. As fun as it was to travel around the country and see different places and meet new people, he knew one thing he liked a lot better: dicking down in his own goddamned bed.

“So what’s it like being back at home after months away?” Jennifer asked, as if reading his mind. Which she kind of was, as it was pretty much totally scripted and they  _ both  _ knew they were supposed to move on and talk about what Richie’s life at home is like now.

He smiled, and sat up a bit more in his seat, ready to launch into a story. “Well I got used to living life without the fear of a small animal in my care dying because I accidentally dropped a bunch of M&Ms on the floor in an attempt to woo my husband with my mad juggling skills,” he said, recalling their frantic dash to get all the shit off the kitchen floor before Regina got too nosy and decided to investigate the chocolate.

The audience laughed.

“Yeah I’m glad you’re all getting a kick out of my dog almost having to get her stomach pumped,” he shouted, a large smile proving that he wasn’t actually upset, because if he was in their shoes, he sure would be laughing too.

“And your dog is…” Jennifer asked, urging him on, because when you don’t have children, your dog is as close to that as interviewers can get.

“The light of my life,” he said, smiling a bit before shaking his head. “No, she’s a Pomeranian, and her name is Regina, and my husband loves her more than he loves me,” he said, as Jennifer displayed the picture of their dog, who was wearing a sweater that said “on Wednesdays we wear pink”. Richie smiled.

“She’s named after Regina George, so our friend Stan got us that sweater for her birthday. He handed it to us at the party- because yes, we absolutely threw a birthday party for our dog- and said ‘I didn’t wrap it, because there’s no fucking way I’m sitting around watching you unwrap presents for your dog that’s over there pissing in the corner,’ and I remembered why he’s one of my best friends,” he said, enjoying the loud laughter coming from the crowd.

Jennifer was laughing too, the picture of Regina put away. “Well I actually have a special guest here tonight,” Richie gasped, because this certainly wasn’t on the basic script… outline, thing he was given for the interview. “Although she may not be very special to you, Richie,”

Before he could even try to decipher what Jennifer meant by that, the audience started wildly applauding. He looked over to the door, where Eddie was walking in, one hand waving a bit, and the other holding a leash. A leash that was attached to-

“What the fuck?” He shouted, and half the audience dissolved into laughter. Eddie sat down next to him, picking Regina up and placing her gently into his lap. “But she was at the vet?” He said, his baffled expression sure to become the thumbnail of the YouTube video that would be uploaded later. Eddie turned to Jennifer with the most sincerely apologetic face he’d ever seen.

“I’m sorry about him, he was dropped onto his head when he was little, and it kind of hindered his development,” he said, waving his hand around his head. Richie looked down at his dog in confusion.

“I literally handed her to the veterinarian,”

“And the veterinarian handed her back to me,” Eddie finished, gently petting Regina, who was wagging her tail like a well trained little puppo. “Who’s a good girl?” he mumbled softly, leaning down to get a better view of the dog.

“So what was the first thing you guys did when Richie got home?” Jennifer asked, and Richie realized with a start that she was asking his husband the question. Not that he minded, of course, it was just shocking to hear literally anyone other than himself talk about his home life.

“Well the first thing we did is very private so we won’t be telling you guys about it,” Eddie laughed, somehow withholding from blushing. Richie has been telling dick jokes in front of his peers for years, so one would  _ think  _ that he would be able to keep his face from turning a bright red. One would think incorrectly.

Jennifer laughed and nodded, gesturing for Eddie to talk about what they did  _ after  _ that in greater detail.

“Well, Richie really needed a nap, because touring the country is a bit tiring, apparently. Isn’t that right, Mr. ‘Wakes up at 1 pm for a week after coming home’?” Eddie asks, turning towards him with a shit-eating grin, one that Richie happily returned.

“Like you weren’t the one keeping me up so late that I  _ had  _ to sleep until 1,” he shot back, his husband answering back with a heatless glare matched with a smile. The audience laughed, a few wolf whistles making it to their ears.

Jennifer cleared her throat, and the two turned back to look at her. “Eddie, what were you doing while your husband was on tour?” She asked, and he gave her a look that screamed ‘that’s a stupid question’. Richie, while often being on the receiving end of it, loved that look to death.

“Well I have a job,” the crowd laughed, along with Jennifer. ‘ _ Good sport’  _ Richie thought, leaning back in his chair, getting comfortable. He reached over and snatched Regina from his husband’s lap, pulling her close to his chest. She licked his chin.

“And what do you do, Mr. Kaspbrak?” she asked, despite the fact that Richie was  _ certain  _ that Jennifer knew what he did for a living- it wasn’t exactly a secret. Eddie, the angel, told her anyway.

“I’m a nurse,” he said simply, not elaborating further. Richie was absolutely in love.

Eventually, after a few more questions pertaining to Eddie’s life, Jennifer turned back to Richie. “What do you plan on doing now, Richie?” She asked, and Richie’s management team had prepared him with a long bullshit answer that eventually, when simplified, just meant he didn’t know. Richie is a comedian, though, and wouldn’t be saying any of that.

“Well, Eddie’s biggest goal in life is to sleep with all 4 of the Chrises, you know, Pratt, Hemsworth, the works,” he started, breaking down into his own laughter mixed with the audience’s when Eddie stood up and walked off the set. After a minute or two, the laughter died down, and he continued. “so I think I’ll get right on setting that up,” he said, smiling to the camera as he pet Regina.

“That was Richie Tozier, everyone!” Jennifer said, before holding up his cover art again. “His show Not Scary at All is available for purchase now,” she announced as he walked off the stage, carrying Regina like the princess that she was.

Outside the building, he smiled at Eddie, who was waiting next to their car for him.

“I hate you,” he said, which directly translated to “I love you,”

“I hate you more,” Richie said back as they sat down in the car, which meant “I love you too,”

They drove home.

**Author's Note:**

> when I was writing this i realized halfway through that i'd have to stop what I was currently doing, which was watching John Mulaney on youtube, which was bad because I am in the process of compiling an album of JM reaction images to use in my day to day life, for example:
> 
> My friend: I hate this guy from school because he posted about horse necrophilia on instagram, but he's hot as hell  
Me: [John Mulaney "we don't have time to unpack all of that" screenshot]


End file.
